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The Most Useless Pokémon from each Generation

By Erik Germ

Do you play Pokémon? Why not? WHY NOT? Pocket Monsters are a thing every child dreams of owning. What’s not to like about trapping animals in a magic ball and forcing him to fight other animals? NOT A GOD DAMN THING, that’s what! I’ve been playing this game for eleven years, now. ELEVEN YEARS! At this juncture, in the continuity of Pokémon’s universe, I’d be a Pokémon professor. Or at least a high authority on the subject. I would be respected, is a short way of saying it. With the Pokémon Black and White Tour coming up and since I am an aficionado on the subject, I’ve decided to list my least favorite Pokémon from each generation.

Generation I

#137 – Porygon

I have a theory about Porygon that can only be described via comic.

They didn’t even try with him. Porygon fucked me over big time. It’s pokedex entry said:

A Pokémon that consists entirely of programming code. Capable of moving freely in cyberspace.

That sounds AWESEOME! This was 1998. Internet was still the hip new thing. So new, even, that people still used ‘cyberspace’ to describe it. Obviously this Pokémon was sought after! With all those fancy words, it had to be able to do ANYTHING! I soon found out that the only way to get him was to try your luck at the Celadon City slot machines and win enough coins, 9999 to be exact (1000 pokedollars per 50 coins to put it in perspective.) Shit! If it costs that much it’s gotta be good!

It wasn’t

The thing was a piece of shit. It was a burden to have in your party. Pretty much the only reason to have it is to complete your pokedex. Big fucking whoop. 1999800 pokedollars and a whole lot of buyer’s remorse later, Porygon sits in my PC box waiting to die. I want to torch Bill’s house just to be rid of the god damn thing.

Generation II

#61 – Unknown

The Pokémon so useless they named it….none. I hate everything about these stupid things. Yes, I understand they add the fun “code decyphering” aspect to the game. Who cares? It’s pokedex entry says:

Their shapes look like hieroglyphs on ancient tablets. It is said that the two are somehow related.

Really?? The shapes that resemble, almost identically, the shapes in the modern basic Latin alphabet may represent something more than Pokémon?

Good one!

Hey, at least they can learn all those cool moves! Oh wait…nope! Hidden Power is all they have. Fuck..they do more in Super Smash Bros. What a stupid addition.

Generation III

#183 – Luvdisc

No, I’m not fucking with you. That’s what the Pokémon looks like. And that’s it’s name. Now I didn’t play too much Ruby or Sapphire. But I played enough to beat the shit out of several of these fucking things. Let’s face it: most water Pokémon are pretty useless unless it’s a starter or Gyarados. But I hate this one because it didn’t require any thought to create. It’s a heart shaped Goldeen without a horn…rendering it even that much more useless. To expand on this further would only waste valuable time on your part. So let’s move onto the next generation.

No, Picard. Not you.

Generation IV

#13 – Bidoof

What a retarded Pokémon. I like to think they came up with the name Bidoof and then designed a Pokémon around it. They then shit out the monstrosity you see up there. It’s probably a bit cliché to hate on Bidoof. It’s one of the first you run into, so it’ll obviously be pretty weak. But it’s generation I counterpart, Rattata can be a formidable part of your lineup, especially when you evolve it into a Raticate. Bidoof sucks so badly, you don’t even want to wait for it to evolve into its next form. When it finally does, you’re left with Bibarel…which is twice as retarded looking and a dual-type Water Normal. That means it’s weak as balls and still ugly. So you can be slightly tough against fire types if you manage to not get your ass kicked by most other types. Best thing to do with Bidoof is release him. That way, he won’t be completely useless. Maybe food for an ekans or something.

Generation V

#15 – Purrlion

I haven’t been playing Pokémon Black all that long. I’m using a translated copy and these are actually called Choroneko when I run into them in-game. So while this Pokémon may not be the worst Black/White has to offer, it’s the worst I’ve come across so far.  It’s one of the few new Pokémon whose name I recognize due to how easy they are to beat. I got one early on and made the mistake of teaching it Cut. Now the rest of my lineup have good moves and I’m stuck with this piece of shit until I find something better. It doesn’t learn any good moves until level 15 and if the rest of my team faints, I’m pretty much fucked because the only decent move it has is cut. So if you see one of these next month when you’re playing. Catch it and store it. Because it’s shit.

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