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The Pixar Film CARS 2 is so very wrong and here is why

By Ryboflavin

Let me start off by saying that it pains me to write this article. I love the Pixar films and let it be known that in my shared opinion, Pixar is most likely the greatest studio in the history of motion pictures. Their track record is astounding and they are worthy of all the success and accolades they have received.

I also want you to know that I completely understand why Pixar would make a film like CARS and its sequel CARS 2. Little boys friggin’ love cars and trains and trucks and junk, and in the battle for box office supremacy (much like my grade school track coach’s fantasies), little boys are key.. This information is not lost over at Disney, in fact, they changed the name of their film Rapunzel to the more discreet TANGLED for fear that boys would have no interest in seeing a film about a princess. This is a fact that is hard to argue seeing the dramatic difference when compared to the ticket sales of 2009’s THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG. OK, so little boys are a pain in the ass who get everything they want and CARS made a shit ton of coin and CARS 2 will no doubt make a whole heap. So I get that it’s a no brainer to make CARS, I just don’t understand CARS.

I’ve tried on several occasions to watch the first CARS. I saw a car that sounded like Larry the Cable Guy, one that sounded like that guy who died and that other guy who wanted to die but didn’t. The three times I attempted to watch I could never get into the movie because I always had the same question. Where are all the people? I mean it is Earth not some random CAR planet. It’s Earth with all of its Earth states and country’s landmarks and yet there is never a mention of human beings. I couldn’t get past it and they never offered any explanation either. We are just meant to blindly accept that cars can exist without humans.

Now I loved TRANSFORMERS as a kid and you could argue that it is the same thing as CARS, but it’s not. They are an alien race of robots that transform into cars as a way to blend in and not upset the human race. Whereas these “CARS” are in our world, using our roads, without even a thought of us! It’s weird right? Give me something! Is this some parallel universe or alternate reality? Tell me anything. Tell me that a fucking wizard put a spell on the world and everyone in a car was fused with their given automobiles. Then, and only then, I can get on board and enjoy the ride.

Let’s delve deeper, shall we? These “CARS” have teeth and tongues. So it would stand to reason that they can produce saliva and so then I guess sweat glands and if they have sweat glands then they must have other stuff. So now were getting into procreation and thus there is car sex. Are there baby cars? How do they do it? (Cue gas hole related image..) Are there baby cars? So is like a mini van a pregnant woman with a baby inside? We all know cars that have died, and we’ve felt the loss, but do they have car funerals? There are just so many questions. As my girlfriend could tell you I could go on about this for days but I’ll spare you the VERY long passionate rant I dump on her.

Car sex is no laughing matter

One last thing, take careful note of the new CARS themed State Farm commercial running on TV. Cute, right? Car insurance, CARS 2, perfect tie in. In the spot, the CARS 2 cast is smiling and driving down the street when re-re-motor backs into a telephone poll (Not gonna get into why cars need phones…). The poll falls down breaking a window and causing mayhem all over the street. Before the State Farm little helper trucks come along and fix the problem everything seems fine to me. However, upon further observation you will notice that as part of the accident, there are little cars and little trains spilling onto the street from the broken window. LITTLE CARS? So upon even closer inspection I realize that the sign on top of the doomed shop reads Han’s Pet Boutique… record skip… so that means that those little cars and those little trains are actually what constitutes as pets in their world? That is beyond disturbing. Little cars as pets. That would be like if we had little humans as pets. “Mommy I want the fat one!” “Oh honey, let’s get the black one” (what to soon?), “I don’t know Dear, I heard the yellow ones can be a handful.”
It’s sick and I don’t want any part of it.

My brain cannot handle the intense perversion of this reality. Come June 24th, I’m just gonna re-watch WALL-E and you should too.


2 Responses to The Pixar Film CARS 2 is so very wrong and here is why

  • papa germ says:

    Tommy tommy tommy my misguided son.What don’t you get?Larry the cable is an evil backwoods wizard from middle earth who is out to take over the entertainment industry.Voiceover work ,history channel show and deliverance type entertainment at his theme park.I got all this from the dumb commercial ,never saw Cars 1or2 and you wasted your hard earned money to review this crap or does Erik have a budget for that?Larry Cable(his real name by the way)and Bill Engvall Republican ticket 2016.World domination that’s what it’s all about.

  • Garchomp445 says:

    At first I was going to skip down to the comments to condemn your slight ignorance, but then I realized you were making a joke out of this. But, if you’re still confused on why they made a Cars 2, when the original Cars was more than good enough, (You’ll have to take my word on this, I’m afraid.) was that they wanted to make an experimental new film, (It’s been released, it’s called Brave, and I’m sure you’ve at least heard of it.) except they needed a way to make sure that if it flopped, it wouldn’t affect thier productivity. So you can look at Cars 2 as a fundraiser.
    BUT if you were already aware of that, then ignore what I just wrote. I cannot offer you anything about the explaination of the origins of car life in Cars, but I can say it probably has to do with aliens.

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