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Hipsters and the things they ruined for us.

 

By Erik Germ

Do you hate hipsters? Of course you do! Everyone hates hipsters! Not just because they look stupid or because they don’t contribute to society at all. We hate them because it’s easy. They make you hate them because of their pretentious attitudes and the cloud of bullshit that surrounds them. Hipster is a trend going around right now based pretty much on “irony.” If it’s ironic to like something and it goes against the current style, you’d better believe hipsters are all on top of it. They enjoy independent music and judge you for your tastes (while drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon…IRONYYYYYYY) I thank God I don’t know any full on hipsters. If I had to have a conversation with someone while they’re silently judging my bourgeois lifestyle, I’d have to punch them in the face.  Some people might say “Hey, relax, guy. It’s just a harmless fad.” Well, I will see that and raise you this: The following is a list of things that hipsters have ruined for us.

Our identity.

“Tee hee hee! I heart nerds!”

If you’ve been in a mall, on an internet site that advertises t-shirts or walked past any girl who’s trying out the whole “scene” thing, you’re already familiar with this slogan. Reportedly, nerds finally have their day! Hot chicks want to jump their bones! The days of hiding in their parent’s basements and cowering away from females are over! If you’re a nerd, it’s time for some well deserved confidence! Right? Nope. Just like everything in a nerd’s life, this one is a sad, sad fantasy.

That girl up there does not heart nerds. That girl is grossly misinformed and you would be a fool to get your hopes up. In the traditional sense, a “nerd” is someone with a hobby or an ability that goes against the social norm. They excel in areas like math or science or Star Wars trivia while the popular kids play sports and have intercourse. Probably. I’m actually not sure what the popular crews do. But nerds also didn’t need the approval of their peers. They could get beaten up, made fun of and rejected and most of them would not change who they were simply because this was all they knew. That’s why most nerds look like this.

Sorry, Google image search kid. You were the first result for “kid with acne”

This poor hapless son-of-a-bitch was a target for most of his life. The unfortunate truth nowadays is that these kids are still targets. But if these girls are walking around with “I Heart Nerds” prominently displayed across their boobs, what does this kid have to worry about? I’ll tell you what: The girl in the picture up there would not be caught dead locking lips with that disgusting mess. (Once again, kid…sorry) No. What she wants is this:

Yup.

OMG LOOK HOW GEEKY HE IS WITH HIS GLASSES! Sorry nerds. As if your life wasn’t hard enough, now you have this to deal with. Gone are the days when the big, tough jock whisked the girl of your dreams away into his mustang and left you in the dust. Now you’re losing to this guy. Since it’s trendy to dress like a fucking idiot, the whole nerd persona has been warped. Nerd is now a style (MC Chris mentions Geek Chic) and basement dwellers are not…I don’t know what they are. But it can’t be good.

Beards

Through a friend, I was recently exposed to the wonderful and fascinating world of beard and mustache growing. It turns out there is a whole subculture that revolves around this magnificent art form. Men will grow, trim, sculpt and shape their facial hair until its perfect. If they’re lucky, they will be recognized for their work and celebrated accordingly. Beard and mustaches have  been a sense of pride and presentation of manliness for generations past. See that burly motherfucker up there? That’s a lumberjack. Lumberjacks grow beards because when they’re chopping down redwood trees in 20 below weather, their manly faces are protected by their glorious mane. Lumberjacks have long been a symbol of everything a man should aspire to be. They have been easily recognizable by their checkered shirts and their thick, masculine beards.

Enter hipsters.

In only a few seconds, we’ve gone from referring to beards as “Majestic,” “Manly,” and “Fascinating,” and have somehow landed on “Paunchy,” “Lame,” and “Slightly Homo-Erotic.” I found that image by typing “Hipster Beard” into Google. Google Image Search has an algorithm built in that looks for the most relevant usage of the search terms on a web page and brings you the results. So these guys KNOW they’re hipsters and are probably proud as a pig in shit about it. Meanwhile, people with real beards have to suffer the shame of being called hipster just because they want to grow some facial hair. Do you feel like I’m making a generalization? Do a search for “Look at this fucking hipster” and see how many people are judged as hipster just because they have facial hair. It’s not fair. You used to call people with checkered shirts and beards Lumberjacks. Now what do you call them?

I’m actually not sure what you would call that.

What “Cool” is

That guy right there is cool. He’s cool because he has big glasses, headphones and a can of PBR. He’s also throwing up the horns, the universal signal that you’re cool. Why is he cool? Because it’s ironic. Everyone knows Pabst tastes like water with a sprinkle of piss in it for flavor. So drinking it is ironic and ironic is cool. If you’re wearing headphones, you’re a loner who doesn’t associate with society because they’re not up to your standards. Being an outcast is ironic and ironic is cool.

I’ll tell you whats ironic. Back in the 70’s, one man set the standard for what’s cool for decades to come. That man was Arthur Fonzarelli.

You don’t need leather jackets to be lame to know that the Fonz is cool. Look at him, would you? He didn’t do anything because it was ironic. He did it because he was cool and confident. Just like Danny Zuko and the T-Birds. They were cool and everyone in school knew it. You know who wasn’t cool? Eugene Felsnic of Rydell High.

He was a nerd and he knew it. Whatever, big whoop. That’s who he was. As I said before, Hipsters took that from him. The big glasses, stupid clothes, his social-outcastism. So here’s my question: Why is that cool?

It’s not enough that hipsters are annoying. They are but that’s the way things go. Society hates everything the youth culture does: from hippies to punks, rappers to gangstas, emo to scene. There’s always something to complain about but that’s who those people are at that time in their lives. The main problem with hipsters are they judge everyone.

There is a blog out there called “Stuff Hipsters Hate.” Basically, if you’re not a hipster, they hate you. Why? Because you’re not poor, you don’t have anything to prove and you like music that’s played on the radio. Hey, assholes, there’s a reason nobody knows who the fuck Arcade Fire is…it’s because they fucking suck. There’s another fuckface on the internet running a blog called “You’re not a hipster” Here’s an honest to Christ entry from that blog:

on July 4, i was wearing my “fucking hipster” shirt and a hipster-looking nonhipster (can’t fool me!), riding a skateboard, passed me, stopped, turned, pointed, and said “rad shirt.”

excuse me, kind sir, but did you just say my shirt is rad? you with your stringy hair and too-big glasses and too-tight jeans and coiffed beard and breath smelling of hummus and italian coffee and brown loafers that are broken in just so and fantastic apartment in the lower haight?

you shouldn’t like my shirt, my man. it goes against everything that you’re trying to be. but thanks anyway for the compliment.

Do you see what I mean? NO ONE likes a judgmental dickhead…but that’s what hipsters are. They wear stupid clothes, put labels on everything and judge anyone that doesn’t see things from their trendy point of view. Guess what? No one likes that kind of person – hipsters and non-hipsters alike. I would have never considered writing all this if I hadn’t researched and found all the blogs and postings of how much better hipsters are than me, you, society and even other hipsters.

I guess I’m just an old fashioned kind of guy. Oh shit….old fashioned retro! Better not say that.

6 Responses to Hipsters and the things they ruined for us.

  • B8ovin says:

    Thank you Erik! I copy and pasted “Look at this fucking hipster” into Google image search and found…nightmares. Fortunately I’m over 50 and can do whatever the hell I want and the only judgement I get is, “He’s old!” My beard, my wardrobe, my glasses and the music I like are beyond reproach because, no one cares what old people do. Also, as you and all the hipsters out there might be interested in knowing that I heard the words “irony” and “ironic” about ten times before the 1990’s and all those times were in writing and English classes. I don’t know what is so special about irony to make it a lifestyle. Until I was married my lifestyle and those of every male I knew was “trying to get some, and not ironically”. My age defined cluelessness aside, I enjoy your articles here and at Crack. Keep up the good work.

  • Mike says:

    You’re wrong about PBR. Pabst Blue Ribbon is smooth and has a nice clean slightly sweet taste, compared to bitter Bud. Coors is like water. Miller is horrid, in my opinion. American beer in general is weaker and less bold in flavor than European brews. But to single Pabst out because of its supposed association with hipsters is pretty lame and unoriginal on your part. I drink PBR all the time at my favorite bar and I’ve never met anyone who had a problem with it. My grandpa drank Pabst along with the local brews where he lived. If hipsters wanna drink it, more power to em. It’s a fine beer, as far as American labels go.

  • Nadine says:

    This was dead on and hilarious. I couldnt agree more.
    Im 31, and Ive worn contact lenses since the 7th grade, because for years, I was teased mercilessly and emotionally scarred from wearing my big thick plastic welfare glasses that are so ‘cool” right now. Every time I see someone wearing them, its like a slap in the face.
    When I DO wear my glasses, to run errands or because my eyes hurt from contacts, Im embarrassed on an entirely new level.
    Back then, I feared being uncool. Now, I look TOO cool, too “ironic”, and I feel like an asshole. There is something very wrong with that.

  • Shaggy says:

    3rd picture down. look at that guy. what the fuck. if i saw a guy wearing that shit outside, id beat the shit out of him. just because. it wouldnt be hard anyways. just look at him! He’s just a bunch of twigs glued together.

  • Josh E says:

    “I’m actually not sure what you would call that.”

    It’s like you were reading my mind. I was thinking he looked like a spawn of Salvi Dali and Edward Sissorhands that just drank a pint of Robitussin.

  • Steve says:

    With my friends moving on with kids and spouses or literally moving away, I decided to check out a newly formed beard club in my area. I figured it would be nice to have a reason to hang out with a bunch of guys at a bar. I went a few times and stopped because what I hoped it would be was not what it ended up being. While everyone was nice up front, it was mainly a hipster club. One night a guy was showing me pics of a type of hipster hat he wanted, and that he liked it better than another style of hipster hat. He showed photos of the two types and I couldn’t tell the difference (they looked like those squashed golf caps old men wear at the golf course). Some of these guys even wore those hideous hipster glasses with flat lenses because they had 20/20 vision. I mean WTF? There were a few guys who were actual guys, but the hipster thing soured things for me and I stopped going.

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