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Chatroulette – Why You Should Feel Bad For Being A Dude

By Erik Germ

 

It was a Saturday night teenage Erik Germ might have been familiar with. I was home alone, there was nothing to do and I had napped as much as I could. I began to wonder what I should do after I polished off the Wawa classic hoagie I was eating. The episode of Tosh.0 was on where he tries out chatroulette for the first time. You remember chatroulette, right? That thing with all the penises that was popular for a month? As it turns out, people still use it. There are a few important differences I noticed since I tried it last year: 1) There are significantly less penises and 2) the interface is garbage.

I had never used chatroulette for it’s intended purpose: meeting new friends and chatting with strangers. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. Some genius (I assume from NASA or the like) found out that you could download a program that would substitute as a webcam. If you loaded a looping .gif file into that program, you could essentially pretend to be anyone you wanted. That’s how I would play chatroulette. I would use it to fuck with people. That lost its steam pretty quickly for me and I always had to come up with new ways to mess with strangers. Then I got the idea for a new game.

I wanted to see just how far a male would go to see a woman’s breasts.

My ultimatum was simple: you do something I want, I’ll do something YOU want. It wasn’t going to be easy. Men are the more intelligent gender, after all. They have a history of being rational and clever. They have proven time and time again how important is is to think with your head and not your dick. So, how would I accomplish this task? Find .gifs of hot girls, of course! The first one I found was of a bountiful blonde who I’m sure never scored below a 3.99 GPA. I loaded it into my webcam program and started up chatroulette. After clicking through a few people, I came upon this handsome gentlemen. What follows is our conversation.**

**On chatroulette’s shitty interface, you read from the bottom – up. It’s also not identifiable as to who said what, but it’s not hard to figure out who said what.

I’m sorry to the young lady who’s image I used…but that girl is NOT that hot. Did you notice, though, how little coaxing I had to do to get him to do what I want? Granted, he’s probably used to doing what it takes to get a girl to talk to him, so I chalked that one up to luck and moved on. As I was finding potential gentlemen, it became obvious that there was something about this girl that was turning them off. So I switched things up, removed the cleavage, the blonde hair and found something a little more toned down.

She’s cute, but attainable! This is the .gif I used for the rest of the night, and it ended up working out famously.

After clicking around for a bit, I found a young man who seemed interested. Although he was first skeptical on whether or not this girl could be real, it left his mind pretty quick. Here was a trusting guy who had obviously been burned before.

Once again, my original plan was to promise breasts for the act I wanted done. But this guy didn’t need that. After “confirming” I was a real woman, he tried to shove his fist into his mouth. When he couldn’t do it, and after I got the screen shot, I clicked out and went on my merry way.

Soon, I came upon three dudes who were very interested in the young lady. They looked like huge fucking douche bags, too. One guy, in a room with two other guys, had his shirt off. Obviously he was expecting something from the ladies on chatroulette, so I figured I’d use that to my advantage and  have a little fun. I would see if I could get them to fight each other. Note, they were from Italy, so I had to use google translate to get across what I wanted to say.

As you can see from the photograph, it worked. That’s the aftermath of the guy on the left getting cold cocked right in the face. The best part was, he wasn’t paying attention. He was watching TV and did not expect the punch at all. I immediately clicked out and decided this was how my awesome Saturday night was going to go. I continued on to fight the good fight against assholes on chatroulette. Actually…they would fight the good fight because it would be them hitting each other.

Our next bunch of guys are from Greece. This is a pre-punch shot and I don’t remember what happened, but I know I only saved screen shots from people who punched so, rest assured, that guy got it right in the jaw.

I could not believe how well this was going. So far, my success rate was 100%. This couldn’t continue all night…or could it?

Never underestimate the power of boobs. 7 lines of chat. All’s I did was say I would take my top off, and that was all they needed. Next, I came upon two dudes wearing hats. Men in hats are bad ass. Surely they can’t be fooled by the power of empty promises.

Look at the smug look on his face. That’s a man who knows he’s going to get to see some boobs. An interesting side note: the guy in the gray hat was NOT happy. He immediately punched Red Hat Man back and knocked his stupid sunglasses off. I didn’t stick around because I had to save the screen shot but it was pretty awesome.

This next one is one of my favorites. This young man put a spin on my request and delivered a blow harder than anyone so far.

I didn’t even ask him to star throwing bows!! He just fucking did it! Beautifully executed, good amount of force and +10 for style. But I did not hold up my end of the bargain….I immediately pressed my Print Screen button then the next button.

These next dudes were a bunch of fucking chatty Cathy’s. They kept asking me to prove I was real. I ignored them and continued with my conquest…not really expecting much from them. Chatroulette is full of surprises, though.

This time was kind of special, too. I got them to do it twice because I accidentally missed the screen shot for the first one. I questioned their manhood and that was all it took to get them to punch the shit out of each other. My favorite part is the computer operator’s face.

I came upon two lads enjoying some late night chatroulette. One was fat and the other was not. Since the internet loves seeing fat people getting hurt, I comissioned the skinny guy to do the punching with, of course, a promise of breasts that would never come.

I’m happy I could bring that much joy to one man’s face.

I had to break out google translate for this one. One thing I’m proud of are my fast internet skills. If you think that says a lot about what kind of person I am, remember…I was making people punch each other in the face on a Saturday night. Anyway, if you ever needed to question how well Google translates English to Italian, here’s your proof.

Mama Mia! It never fails! Men of all background, creed, color and beliefs will all band together and punch each other in the face so they can see some tits. It’s beautiful in a way.

I was starting to get worried. How long could I pull this off? Would my set ups have to start getting more elaborate? Would I have to use a quick wit to get these guys to keep punching their friends in the face? I clicked next to find out.

Nope. Dudes just like punching faces. The most interesting thing about this picture is in the background. That’s a female human back there. They didn’t need random internet boobs. They have some real life ones right there! Another fun thing is the girl was sitting on the puncher (right guy)’s lap. So I deduced they were together and the guy about to get his face smashed was a third wheel. Presumably, you would let the lonely guy do the punching so he could get some hot, alebit ‘Internet.’ boob action. But NOPE. He just up and, without any hesitation, punched the lonely guy right in the face while his girlfriend watched.

How bout these bros?

They hold the distinction of being the first pair I promised a flash to. I can tell you they left that conversation disappointed and sore.They also hold the distinct pleasure of being the last two  I got to punch each other. As is always the case with me and chatroulette…I got bored.

I think part of it was my disgust at how fucking stupid most people are. One thing about internet anonymity is that you can do and say most anything to anyone and get away scott-free. That was not the case tonight. There are probably billions of porn sites where you can see all the boobs you want for FREE. And even the ones that charge you are only taking your money. Tonight, I took away dignity. Am I proud of that? Yep! Do I feel bad for the dudes? Nah. Fucking losers are on chatroulette on a Saturday night. They deserve what they get.

3 Responses to Chatroulette – Why You Should Feel Bad For Being A Dude

  • Jesse says:

    Came in off the Cracked article today, man, and I’ve got to say: this one had me l’ing ol at the desk at work. Almost got me in trouble.

    Well done.

  • Courtney says:

    I lol’ed at this one cause my friend was doing the same thing recently on omggele except he was putting sexy girls in bras up and then right when the guy was getting hot and heavy switching to a gif of a little kid, or dog sex.

  • Naz says:

    seriously, i salute you!

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