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6 Lovers Quarrels (That Got Totally Out Of Hand)

By Erik Germ

 

We all get into little tiffs now and again. It’s a part of every relationship. Sometimes it’s over what to watch on TV or for sleeping around. But a lot of the time, we let our emotions get the best of us and that’s when we do things we’ll regret the next morning. Here is a list of things that fall under the latter category in a big way. This might be a disturbing article. It’s pulled from my “Articles rejected by Cracked.com file.”

 

Awesome Honeymoon Spot: Nightclub
Bernadette Besario had just married her dream man, Mike Keeler. All seemed well during the reception and who are we to tell them the party had to end? So it came to be that shortly after saying ‘I do,” this young couple retired to the local night spot for some post nuptual fun. What could go wrong?


Also, it took place in Florida. So, they might be alligators.

Well…the trouble started when the new bride was getting a bit frisky on the dance floor. That’s fine, right? I mean, you’re supposed to let your hair down on your wedding night! Well, that’s all well and good but the problem was that the sexy dancing was happening with some dude who wasn’t her husband. And her new husband didn’t like what he saw at all. He walked out and his old (well…new. Like…brand new) ball and chain followed him out. Words were thrown, a lot of ‘bitches’ and ‘skanky penis sluts’ (we imagine) and a spat occurred when his wife gave him a playful bite on the shoulder. Except instead of ‘playful,’ it was, in reality, pretty ravenous. Bad enough so that her husband was forced to call the cops on her.

 

So instead of consummating the thing later that night, Mrs. Keeler got to spend the night locked in a jail cell. Her new hubby attended the court hearing to request leniency….but we’re pretty sure the honeymoon was cancelled. Probably due to the restraining order and all.

 


Don’t Hit Your Wife and Kids…Just Choke The Cats

This is a story out of that wacky ass fantasy world, Omaha. Eric Inman is like all men. He likes a cold beer, TV, and doesn’t enjoy arguing with his wife. Mrs. Inman got fed up with the dirty so and so and threatened to leave with the kids after one of their altercations got a little out of control. Well, Eric was pissed! But instead of taking it out on his wife or his liver, like any normal abusive scumbag would do, he decided it was about time for those those son-of-a-bitch cats to feel his wrath. 


Come at me, bro.

He called his good for nothing wife to tell her he strangled two of her cats and he would strangle a third if she didn’t get her ass back here. The veterinarian confirmed this story and Inman was jailed but released on bail. Instead of doing the adult thing and blaming the problems on his anger, he blamed the cats. “His defense was these cats were old and sickly and they were thinking about euthanizing them,” Police Captain Neeman said. “His defense was he was going to try to save a vet bill.”

Don’t worry, folks. He’ll be in jail at least 5 years. Haunted by cat ghosts, we hope.

 


Woman Gets Back At Cheating Husband…By Boiling his Balls

Oyinda Ojofeitimi was a hard working nurse from New York. She busted her ass to take care of her husband and make a great life for the two of them. She was understandably upset when she found out her no good husband was slutting around on her. She didn’t flip out on him, though. No. Instead she did what any rational human being would do. She dumped a pot of boiling water on his crotch. 

 

Ouchies! What the heck?

Hell hath no fury, amirite, men? It seems revenge is a dish best served scaldingly hot and right onto the family jewels. “She was hurt and angry that after all this time married, he was stepping out on her,” a police source said. “She wanted to shut down that possibility forever because he had treated her with such contempt.” Oyinda regretted it immeditaly and admitted she mayyyy have overreacted just a bit. She was found nursing him to about as much health she could after she took away his manhood when the cops arrived.
Moral of the story? Well…it’s…if I have to explain that, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.


The Snake Shit Defense

This story is just chock full of crazy. Amber Pennell and her boyfriend, Matthew Rudisill, were having a rocky relationship. When Amber finally had enough, she threatened to leave. Matthew wasn’t having it and stood between her and the door. She then picked up his snake in one of those “either I go, or the snake goes” tactics you see in the movies all the time. You know the ones? Well, Rudisill was rational about the whole thing and the two talked things over and patched things up.

Oh wait..nope. He actually took some of the snake shit and shoved it into her mouth.

 


You told me this was jell-o. This is not jell-o.

“He grabbed the snake by its tail and he had shit on his hand, and he shoved it in my mouth, and when he put his hands in my mouth, he was pushing down on my tongue and I couldn’t breath. I was like gagging, and I fell back and I hit my head on the door frame, and he still had his hands in my mouth, and I was biting down on his hand,” she said.
A battle ensued and Rudisill finally took his fingers out of her mouth. But then, just for good measure, he bit her in the arm. Pennell, with what we imagine was a shit-eating grin on her face, phoned police and Rudisill is now being brought up on domestic abuse charges.
See what I did there with that shit-eating grin remark?

Goodbye Penis…Hello, Garbage Disposal

Divorce can be tough. It’s never easy on either side. Kieu Becker can tell you that. When she and her husband were going through their nasty divorce, they figured it was a good idea to still live together. Kieu took advantage of this and, while cooking dinner for the no-good-rotten-dirty son of a gun, she slipped him an unknown poison. He was knocked out for quite a while. When he came to, Kieu let him know what she thought of his divorce. She tied him to the bed, snipped off his penis and threw it with the rest of his dinner….into the fucking garbage disposal.

Shit…where’d it go?

I think we all agree it was a total dick move. The courts thought so, too, and Becker has been charged with aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse. Nothing about cock disposal…so apparently that’s not a crime. Look out, boys.


Man Plans to Dress as a Bear to Murder His Girlfriend

There are good ideas and there are amazing ideas. Clyde Gardner is a man with an idea that seemed astonishingly great…while he was drunk. See, his baby momma was being a real bitch and Clyde was just plum sick of it. Over a nice cold beer….or several nice cold beers…Clyde got the idea of the century. Go into the woods, kill a bear, skin it, wear the skin and murder his girlfriend, leaving no trace of his crime.

 


Now. Where is that bitch?

 

The Associated Press reports that Clyde Gardner, of Malone, N.Y., planned to wear the bear hide and claws to attack his ex-girlfriend and kill her, leaving no trace of his foot or fingerprints at the scene of the crime. The woman, with whom he had a violent, on-again off-again relationship and a child, had recently thrown him out of the house again, the report said.

When you think about it, does it seem so out there? I mean, police come to the scene, see bear tracks in the soft mud of the house, bear fur…no. No that idea was stupid, Clyde.

It seems Clyde knew this and decided just to pay his friend $500 to run his girlfriend off the road and make it look like an accident. His friend sold him out and one sting operation later, Clyde had a 5 to 15 year prison sentence.

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After reading this, if your reaction was anything but the following…you might be a sick fuck.

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